Around this time of year, I’m usually not the happiest. Normally because it’s so fucking hot and I don’t want to go outside but five years ago, I went through a pretty bad heartbreak that has changed how I view this time of year to this day. After that happened to me, I stated to question my sexuality and what I actually liked..That brought on a lot of anxiety and me crying almost everyday and just not being myself at all. I was lost inside my head and I still do that. It’s something that I am not proud of but I want to work on it. I’m always overthinking and it causes me to think something is actually going to happen, even though it isn’t. Over the years, I have realized that I am attracted to men and women. Although there are some beautiful women out there, I rather date men. Does that make me bisexual, does that make me just being attracted to both parties, IDK. I rather not put a title on it and say that it’s just me. and I think thats okay. I never like to make a big deal about it. But thats not the point of this blog post, (even though it was really relieving to type that out). Again, this year, I have gone through a bad heartbreak and it has brought the feelings back from five years ago. On top of that, the guy and I are part of the same friend group so, this has taken a big toll on me emotionally and mentally. When it comes to group settings, I feel like I can’t participate because I do not want to be around him right now so, it makes me feel isolated. Even though my friends have my back, I can’t help but feel alone. I have cried a lot the past month and it seems like my anxiety is getting worse. So, I have taken it upon myself to go see a therapist. I’m actually going to see her today. I really just want to get back to myself before the heartbreak , before I became this worrisome person. I’m always worrying about what people are thinking of me. I never want to hurt someones feelings or have someone mad at me. Like I said before, I ,also, overthink a lot and it causes me to get into these moods and I just never want to talk to anyone about it in the fear of me looking crazy. I thought I was fine and that I was just going through something and it will pass. But it seems to be a reoccurring thing. I need to talk to someone who isn’t one of my friends or family members. I really hope that this therapy session helps me and that it’s a good start to getting my mental health back on track.
Also It is pride month so happy pride ! I am a supporter of the LGBTQ community and I have always wanted to go to an event or a parade to support.I know a lot of people part of it and follow a lot of people who support too so, I’m always seeing the events that people go to! One day, I will be able to participate.
As for the rest of my life, I have finally figured out what I want to do as a career. I enjoy blogging and being part of the “influencer” life as you all will say. I am not happy with what I’m doing right now but it pays the bills. I ,also, want to move but I am scared to. I am struggling with it just a little bit. I have talked to my friends about it and one thing that I was asked about was what is my why in all of this. Why do I want this? Because being a content creator and an influencer is more than just pretty pictures on Instagram. It is more about connecting and engaging with your audience. I’m not sure if anyone has seen, but there was a social media ….I’m not sure if you would call her a model or an influencer but any-who, she has over a million followers and she came out with merch. She only sold 36 t-shirts. She needed a lot more sales to meet quota so that the people who were sending out the merchandise could cover the costs to send them. Because she did not sell enough, she couldn’t send them to the people that bought them and her merch drop was a big flop. I do not want to be this way with my audience. I want to make sure that you guys can relate to me and think of me as your friend. Not someone who posts pretty pictures. I am just like you. I have my share of problems that I am still facing daily. Instagram is only a highlight reel. I usually talk about what I’m going through on my posts but it’s never to an extent where you know everything that’s going on. So, right now I’m asking myself the tough questions so that the I am here for the long run doing something that I truly love to do.
But anyway, let me know whats going on in your life in the comment section and I will see you guys next time !
P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEST FRIENDS NEIKA AND NELLE !! The day I’m posting this, they’re turning 26 years old. Happy birthday bitches !!